Cat-man-do (not)

“Kippeeeee!” In an excited, glass-shattering voice I run toward him, hands spread out, ready to nab.  He takes one look at me and high- tails it out of there. But I’m not discouraged! Like a female Pepe Le Pew, I follow him into the next room, “Kippeeeee, where you going? Come heeeere, I luuuuuve you…..!”  The more I chase, the faster he runs.

While some believe that having cat (s) has sealed my fate as a singleton, I firmly believe that the absence of cat (s) in my life growing up has led me to my current singleton status.

Bear with me as I establish the kinship between cat and man.

Both are hunters by nature. Laser-focused, moving with purpose.

They tend to be on the aloof side without an overt need for approval or affection.  Ignore them, however, and both man and cat will want nothing more than to be with you.

Need to scare one or both off?  Try speaking excitedly, loudly and in a high register. Smothering them with affection also works well.

Recognize that you never really know what they’re thinking. Often communication is nonverball, gutteral.

They are both known for abruptly getting up in the middle of a tender petting/snuggle session.  They rarely spend the night.

Both are relatively (and thankfully) low-maintenance, requiring little more than food, sleep and a bathroom/litterbox. Admittedly men require sex. But assuming the cat is neutered or spayed, food is to a cat what sex is to a man. In this vein, one will notice that mornings are the worst.  Good luck trying to sleep in. When it wants it – it wants it, and will do everything possible to annoy the shit out of you until you acquiesce.

If I’d grown up with a cat I would have been more sensitive to this peculiar species they call “man”, understood them a bit better and treated them accordingly.

For all the single ladies who haven’t had the benefit of cat (s) to prepare them with encounters with this oft misunderstood species (man), I hope the following rules of proper cat-conduct will be beneficial in your travels.

• Approach gingerly. Speak softly and slowly. Keep sudden unexpected movements to a minimum.  What to a woman seems like “enthusiasm” and “engagement” can be misinterpreted by this species as an ambush.  This leaves them overwhelmed and confused and results in a hasty retreat. Never forget the man is a hunter. He is built to focus on one target at a time.  Less is more.

• This leads me to my next observation. Knowing that men pride themselves on their hunter-like instincts  – let them hunt. It’s what they were pre-programmed to do in utero. Take away this innate ‘road map” and they are lost as to how to navigate the world of women (we already know men don’t ask for directions). They might lose their way a few times, but be confident in the knowledge that the hunter always finds what it desires. Don’t be a human GPS (“…going to the nail salon, be back home around 2pm then Jane and I are going for drinks at that bar around the corner in case you need to find me….”). Both cats and men have an amazing sense of smell – they will follow your scent and make the kill.

• The hunter provides for the family. Even if the concept seems arcane we cannot dispense of it completely (think the “road map” ladies). Of course we have the ability to take care of ourselves and of our cat (s).  Nevertheless, freshly killed field mice, small birds, spiders, roaches etc are placed at our feet as offerings of their esteem. They are not trying to insult us by insinuating we cannot feed them or ourselves.  It’s just what they do. Let them do it in some form or another.

• Finally, be aware that neither the cat nor the man is a star communicator. Observe what the species DOES–not what they say (or meow). Silence should not be taken personally. It does not reflect on you, the relationship or his happiness. Chances are, they are just daydreaming about when they will next eat, sleep or maybe use the litter box…