Cat-man-do (not)

“Kippeeeee!” In an excited, glass-shattering voice I run toward him, hands spread out, ready to nab.  He takes one look at me and high- tails it out of there. But I’m not discouraged! Like a female Pepe Le Pew, I follow him into the next room, “Kippeeeee, where you going? Come heeeere, I luuuuuve you…..!”  The more I chase, the faster he runs.

While some believe that having cat (s) has sealed my fate as a singleton, I firmly believe that the absence of cat (s) in my life growing up has led me to my current singleton status.

Bear with me as I establish the kinship between cat and man.

Both are hunters by nature. Laser-focused, moving with purpose.

They tend to be on the aloof side without an overt need for approval or affection.  Ignore them, however, and both man and cat will want nothing more than to be with you.

Need to scare one or both off?  Try speaking excitedly, loudly and in a high register. Smothering them with affection also works well.

Recognize that you never really know what they’re thinking. Often communication is nonverball, gutteral.

They are both known for abruptly getting up in the middle of a tender petting/snuggle session.  They rarely spend the night.

Both are relatively (and thankfully) low-maintenance, requiring little more than food, sleep and a bathroom/litterbox. Admittedly men require sex. But assuming the cat is neutered or spayed, food is to a cat what sex is to a man. In this vein, one will notice that mornings are the worst.  Good luck trying to sleep in. When it wants it – it wants it, and will do everything possible to annoy the shit out of you until you acquiesce.

If I’d grown up with a cat I would have been more sensitive to this peculiar species they call “man”, understood them a bit better and treated them accordingly.

For all the single ladies who haven’t had the benefit of cat (s) to prepare them with encounters with this oft misunderstood species (man), I hope the following rules of proper cat-conduct will be beneficial in your travels.

  • Approach gingerly. Speak softly and slowly. Keep sudden unexpected movements to a minimum.  What to a woman seems like “enthusiasm” and “engagement” can be misinterpreted by this species as an ambush.  This leaves them overwhelmed and confused and results in a hasty retreat. Never forget the man is a hunter. He is built to focus on one target at a time.  Less is more.
  • This leads me to my next observation. Knowing that men pride themselves on their hunter-like instincts  – let them hunt. It’s what they were pre-programmed to do in utero. Take away this innate ‘road map” and they are lost as to how to navigate the world of women (we already know men don’t ask for directions). They might lose their way a few times, but be confident in the knowledge that the hunter always finds what it desires. Don’t be a human GPS (“…going to the nail salon, be back home around 2pm then Jane and I are going for drinks at that bar around the corner in case you need to find me….”). Both cats and men have an amazing sense of smell – they will follow your scent and make the kill.
  • The hunter provides for the family. Even if the concept seems arcane we cannot dispense of it completely (think the “road map” ladies). Of course we have the ability to take care of ourselves and of our cat (s).  Nevertheless, freshly killed field mice, small birds, spiders, roaches etc are placed at our feet as offerings of their esteem. They are not trying to insult us by insinuating we cannot feed them or ourselves.  It’s just what they do. Let them do it in some form or another.

how cats and men are providers for the family

  • Finally, be aware that neither the cat nor the man is a star communicator. Observe what the species DOES–not what they say (or meow). Silence should not be taken personally. It does not reflect on you, the relationship or his happiness. Chances are, they are just daydreaming about when they will next eat, sleep or maybe use the litter box…
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  • Pam

    I think you’ve clarified the bond between Doug and Tinsel. I feel enlightened. 🙂

    • Doug

      I, too, did not have a cat growing up but am today happily married with cat (though Pam does comment a little too much on my bond with current furry daughter of mine — you should see her with Bailey).

      Glad you got a blog started, it’s been fun reading them. Good luck to you!

  • T

    Happy to help someone! Thanks for reading!

  • Amanda Welsh

    I never really thought about it, but you’re right. I guess the reason I figured out man was because i grew up with 15 cats. Incredible. Can you tell me how to figure out sister in laws now?

  • Dave

    So what happens when boys grow up with cats?

  • vehan

    perfect comparison/similarities between men and cats. now I know why I am still single

    • T

      Perhaps you should get a cat! It’s never too late!

  • T

    Doug – see below.

    Dave – I’m glad you asked about men growing up with cats. I am actually in the midst of working on a column about this. It bodes well…stay tuned…

    Amanda – hmmm sister-in-laws….I may have to speak to my hog/pig KOLs about that. Let me work on it.

    Thanks everyone – keep the feedback/questions/thoughts/statements coming!

  • Tonia

    Tamar … I like the comparison between cats and men! Can’t wait to read the next column about men who grew up with cats. XO

  • Christina Schmid

    This is genius! And having lived with Kippie for a year, I can attest to the fact that he indeed behaves like your typical aloof male.

  • mark

    Dare I say that I don’t have a cat, but at least now I know why I have a problem juggling 2 things at once.

  • Erin

    And now I know why my husband dislikes cats. He doesn’t want the competition threatening his routine!

    • T

      Erin, stay tuned for my upcoming posts with my theories on men who do and men who don’t like cats! Thanks for reading!

  • Denise

    such insights, tamar!

  • jmuhj

    Not only did I grow up “with cat”, there have been cats in my family even before I was that proverbial twinkle, but I never really thought I understood/understand men better because of living “with cat”. Hmm. Definitely food for thought. And btw, any multicultural catloving guys out there looking for the, umm, purrfect relationships? 😉

    • Ihavecat

      Thanks for visiting and commenting jmuhj! there have gotta be some multicultural cat-loving guys out there for yoU!
      🙂
      T

  • bditws

    “….Often communication is nonverbal, gutteral.”

    That’s some funny shit. Have you tried submitting this to any Woman’s mags?

    • Ihavecat

      Thanks for reading! You know, I hadn’t but maybe now i will! Thanks for the suggestion and support!

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  • I loves dis! It so true!!! You is very observant about us kittehs. I dun has no hoomin male figures in mai life, but has consulted and wes all agree you is spot on!

    • Ihavecat

      Thanks TT! For visiting I HAVE CAT! We are HONORED!!!!! Glad you liked the post!

  • Laurence

    So true….
    Men don’t communicate, I always need my crystal ball !!!!
    One good thing about men, they don’t use the litter box !!!!

    • I HAVE CAT

      Laurence, I’m not sure if that’s a GOOD thing or not! At least they wouldn’t forget to put the seat down (or miss their target) if they used a litterbox!

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